You Just Don’t Understand

When Men, Women and Culture Talk

Remember the “men are from Mars and women are from Venus‘s guide to understanding differences between men and women? Understanding and recognizing planetary differences provided background for why men and women were at odds with each other. Tannen’s work explored the dialogic tensions that exist with women and men in conversation. Because men and women often times regard the landscape from contrasting vantage points, the same scene can appear very different to them, often possessing distinct interpretations of the same action. Instead of speaking in different dialects, women and men speak in different genderlects.

Cross-Cultural Dialogue: Male-Female Conversations

Let’s broaden these differences into the larger construct of culture. Culture is a dynamic social construct shaped and maintained through language, values, norms and practices over time. Cultural meaning is negotiated through storytelling and conversation. When we talk about cultural differences between men and women, we are speaking from a contextual lens about the way in which culture influences their language, dialogue and interactions. Today male-female conversations and relationships have been compartmentalized into words like “allyship” and “advocacy.” And while those labels hold meaning in the DEI world, to minimize the more holistic, humanistic values held within each cultural identity, is to diminish the inherent differences between male-female sense making norms and values.

Who dominates the conversation and maintains control?

Have women experienced not being heard by a male colleague? Or overlap – two voices talking at once? One of the most widely cited findings from research on gender and dialogue is that men interrupt women. During a talent review session, I recall a male leader attributing a positive rating to a Black female and validating the rating with the comment, “she knows when to speak.” Women may get the impression at times men aren’t listening even when men really are. Differences in male and female listeners who expect a listener to be quietly attentive, is when a woman’s stream of feedback “seems” lengthy, it will translate into talking too much to the male listener.

While I agree that communication is of primary importance to women, we have advanced beyond 20 or even five years ago from being perceived as more relationship oriented to goal orientation. Women’s conception of male sensitivity to receiving advice and suggestions from women has evolved in alignment with women proving their competence in science, math and technology. While women continue to maintain their care giving nature, the evolution to offering advice and constructive criticism to men will ideally be viewed as growth and transformation.

Engaging in transformative dialogue

I have attended amazing training sessions that included sections on empathy, allyship, and advocacy designed to generate understanding of difference. The challenge with sensitivity training is that it may judge men by women’s standards, in an effort to get them to speak more like women. Likewise, assertiveness training may attempt to transform women’s behavior to speaking more like men. In one training I attended, women were asked to stand with feet shoulder-length apart, hands placed at their waists, and stare directly into the listener’s eyes when speaking. Y’all already know about how well that was going to work for any woman — especially me!

Can genderlect be taught? Yes! By helping individuals (male and female) gain insight and knowledge into their own self-awareness and the interdependencies that exist within our environment.

Learn more about culture and how men and women talk @dialogueandcreativeworks.com

Gray, J. (2012) Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Harper.

Jones, D.D. Dissertation

Tannen, D. (2011) That’s Not What I Meant. Morrow.